During my time at the first company, Jesse and I were off and on. He had cheated on me many times over the past 3+ years and I'd continued to take him back. In May, it was becoming clear that we were grating on eachother's nerves. We decided to call it. I was making a good comeback for myself when Jesse came back around in June and told me he really had had some epiphanies. We hung out a lot and we had great times together (in all categories) and, I'll be honest, I was starting to fall for him in ways I hadn't up to then. Several weeks later, he started getting cold with me and I could tell something was up, but I didn't know what. Suddenly, he announced that he was moving to Pennsylvania for a job opportunity to make double what he was making here. I was heartbroken. The only comfort I took was that this was an opportunity that he needed to take and the time apart would probably be good for us. At the last minute, I found out that the job offer came from a bear he found attractive and the two of them were dating. I honestly have never sunken more deeply emotionally than I did then. I won't say I contemplated suicide because I didn't, but it was low like in that territory. On the day he left, U-Haul behind his car, he stopped by to say goodbye. That day I cried from 6am to 2pm almost non-stop. I've never cried so hard and for so long.
Weeks later, I'm still a little numb from it all, but I'm getting better each day. I've managed to have entire hours where I don't think about him which is a milestone for me. At this point I'm about as not ready for another relationship as I can be. As tempting as it would be to distract myself from the pain and loneliness, I must push through this to get comfortable with me again. I always say that being alone is a state of the body and being lonely is a state of the mind. I want to be alone without being lonely and that is my mission right now.
On top of all of this, Jesse left a gift for me. Without going into details, Jesse was involved in a situation with my best friend's partner. Now the partner won't speak to me and I just don't understand why. The end result is that it's seriously affected my ability to see my friend and his partner at a time when I need them both the most. I'm praying that one day, things will mend because I miss them both very much but I've also had to come to peace with the reality that things may never be the same and the stress of wondering what I did wrong and how I can make it right is not healthy for me to hold onto any longer.
So the past week or so has been an exercise for my "letting go" muscle. I've had to let go of my story I wrote for Jesse and I and I've had to let go of my Corvette. It's being picked up this week as it is now sold. I keep thinking God is telling me to get rid of these things I'm holding on so tightly to so that new, better things can come to me. The holding on is demonstrating to the universe my clinginess and that is not healthy nor is it really who I am.
When you let go of things that are important to you, you're left with remaining pieces and what is important to you changes. I'm hoping to find that core me and make that the most important thing to me. Material things be damned.
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