Some Strange Happenings

It's been quite a week or two for me.  Some quick updates:

• Darren and Shelby's wedding was one of the best I've ever attended.  Congratulations to both of them!
• I had a new guy set up to move in on Oct 1 and his ex wife just died in a car accident and his 5 year old boy was trapped in the car while it was on fire so now he has full custody and needs to move in with his mom.  My prayers go out to him and his son.  Please say a prayer for him.  His son is in intensive care right now.

So now on to other issues.  Jesse and I have been apart for almost half a year now.  I had some tough times when he first moved to PA.  And over the past few months, I've become quite strong and resilient.  Songs on the radio stopped affecting me and I truly stopped thinking about Jesse for days - sometimes weeks - at a time.  Last week, I was riding high on a bubble of meeting some new people online but for some reason, I was being barraged by Jesse messages over and over and over all week.  Songs kept coming on the radio that were "our songs" or I'd meet someone and his name was Jesse, or I'd get a message to call a client back and his name was Jesse.  At one point, when the dance version of "What Hurts The Most" came on XM (a song that never should be made into a dance song), I looked up at the sky and screamed at God, "Really?  Can you cut me some slack here?  What are you trying to tell me?!?"

Then, one of the guys I was riding high about fizzled out and I felt the air leave my sails a bit.  The following morning (yesterday) I got an email from a bear website that I had written to weeks ago trying to get my profile activated again.  I finally got back on it and checked my blocked profiles and there was Jesse's ad but it said, "Columbus, OH".  I read it and it said that he had met the man of his dreams and was looking only for friends, etc.  There were pictures of his new motorcycle and him generally having fun with his new guy.  It was too much for me.  I shouldn't have looked.  I got hit by about 10 emotions at 100mph and I just collapsed into tears.  The first time I've cried about him in months.  I wrote him an email and told him that I was happy for him.  He wrote back and said that the profile was outdated.  He changed the location, but never changed the words on the profile.  He and the guy he was dating in PA didn't work out and he moved to OH to live with his friend Nate.

I ended up talking to him on the phone last night for probably three hours.  I told him that I took my ads down for several months because I wanted to fall back in love with Sean.  He wrote to me this morning that he took his down last night after our talk.

I started reflecting on my energy the past few weeks.  Since I've put my ads up, I've been almost obsessive about it.  I'm constantly checking for messages on these seven sites and staying up too late looking at profiles.  I'm exhausted, I've been neglecting work, my hobbies, etc.  I feel... desperate.  Less confident.  It's very strange.  I'm contemplating taking them back down again.

As far as Jesse goes, I'm not ruling out ever getting back with him at some point.  He's been doing quite a bit of growing in the areas that we struggled with the most.  As most of you told me many times, most of that behavior is because he was young.  Well, he's coming up on 24 now and is starting to shed his childhood expectations and selfishness.  I'm seeing a difference.

Many years ago, I was asking my friend Chris for advice and he said, "Sean, do you want my advice or do you want my support?  They aren't always the same thing."  I've never forgotten that.  At some point in the future, if I get back with Jesse, I may be asking you all for your support.  I will not enter that situation without a clear mind, clear expectations, true alignment of perspectives between us, etc.  In other words, this blog entry is not being typed by my little head, it's being typed by my big head.

It boils down to this.  I'm 37 years old.  I'm no child.  As I approach 40, I need to begin liberating myself from the constraints of what other people think sometimes.  As I watch men in their late 60's, it's clear that they are free from societal influences.  They do what they want and they don't apologize for it.  

If - and this is a big if - I get back with Jesse, I know that many of you will disapprove of the decision and you may be right.  Perhaps I'd be setting myself up for another disappointment.  But I would argue that I need to navigate my life as I see it from my perspective.  I think you'd all agree that for the most part, I do a pretty good job of it.  I have lessons to learn and experiences to have.  These come from many decisions and it's what makes us all unique individuals on our own unique journeys.

I will keep everyone posted through the blog, but for now, just take a breather like I am and relax...