Restless

So it's 5AM and I woke up from yet another crappy dream about Jesse.  I can't fall back asleep and like a teenager afraid of Freddy Krueger, I don't really want to anyway.  He and I chatted a bit online yesterday and he confirmed what I suspected all along.  He still loves me but is very confused and absolutely petrified that he will hurt me again.  He's my Edward Scissorhands... He wants to get close but keeps hurting the people he tries to embrace.  Just like Edward, this is his journey not mine.  Mine is learning to move on from someone who continually trades long term consequence for short term gratification.

I'm learning that you can't give someone the big picture of life if they don't see it.  In fairness, Shelby correctly pointed out last night that I didn't have that perspective at 23 either.  Then again, I wasn't in a situation like Jesse is at 23.  I didn't already face the death of my mom at a young age and I think there are two ways out of something like that.  You can either crawl inside your shell like a turtle, or come to a new acceptance about life and form beliefs and perspectives about it that get you through it.  I think I fit into the latter category and, so far, Jesse has fit into the former.

Shelby said something I hadn't thought of.  She said sometimes when people feel abandoned, they find a way that feels good (whether it be sex, alcohol, drugs, World of Warcraft, whatever) and everything in their life begins to revolve around it because it's the only way they think they can feel good.  So their happiness becomes hinged to a behavior instead of an inner peace.  Like Pavlov's dogs, they learn that pushing the button makes a treat so they push that button until gorging on the treats kills them.

I know some of you must be thinking, "Jeez Sean, move on already."  There is something about me, for better or for worse, that makes moving on very difficult.  My sensitivity.  Sensitivity is not fragility.  When I say sensitive, what I mean is sensitive to other people's feelings.  It reminds me of The Fifth Element when the girl was reading all our books about war and hate and she started to cry.  She seemed to feel the pain of those people in the pictures she saw.  I have to avoid the news sometimes because of the same issue.  When's the last time you read an article in the newspaper and cried?   I do it all the time.  It isn't the news, it's the way those people must be feeling.  Like a woman who ran over her own kid by accident.  Can you imagine something like that?  

I'm proud of my sensitivity and it's one of the things about me that I like, but it is a blessing and a curse.  When it comes to Jesse, it helps me to understand and forgive him.  I watched some of Darren's ex's do some terrible things to him - some of the same things that Jesse has done to me - but there is a difference between them and Jesse I think.  Jesse doesn't wake up in the morning and plot ways to hurt me.  If anything, these days I think it's the opposite.  He's realizing that he has scissors for hands and is trying to avoid hurting the people he cares about.  It's this quality about him that I've always seen that my friends and family rarely got to see with him.  From your limited exposure, you saw a young guy sowing his oats, breaking commitments, being anti-social.  I guess I'm just feeling the need to tell you that there was more to it than all that or I wouldn't have stayed as long as I did and I certainly wouldn't have chatted with him yesterday.

I'm not waiting around for him but I'm also not really interested in playing the field right now either.  I could be with Jesse again but I'm counting on him to know how to embrace me without hurting me.  That perspective could come tomorrow, in 5 years, or never.  It depends on how important it is to Jesse to get it.  It reminds me of something my therapist told me years ago.  I was dealing with a different person who shall remain unnamed.  This person has similar challenges and I remember telling my therapist one time, "I believe people can change.  I believe it's a fundamental part of being human that we can adapt and change."  John replied, "It's true Sean.  My entire career as a therapist is based upon that belief.  But for him to change, he's going to have to put in a lot more work than he is currently.  Change takes work."

So while some change happens because of age and experience, sometimes the only way to reverse damage is to actively heal it.  If Jesse spent that time and effort, he would be much clearer about what was important to him.  If I made that list the way he made mine, we'd be great together.  If I didn't make his list, at least he'd be free of the confusion.

All I know is that I'm incredibly confused myself right now.  I need some time to think but the solitude frightens me also right now.  Being alone with my thoughts is not being in good company these days.  That is my journey right now and I'm trying to take that trepidatious first step.  Perhaps the retreat next weekend is that first step.

In the meantime, I want you all to know that I'm not depressed or unusually down.  I'm busy with work which helps to distract me and I'm focusing on staying afloat and employed.  This too shall pass.