First, after getting Kuma's ashes back and being without him for several weeks (honestly it seems longer, but I think that's a good thing because it means I'm healing), I've been thinking a lot about what part of having Kuma was Kuma and what part of having him was owning a dog. Kuma was fiercely loyal and obedient which is a trait of Akitas. In Japan, they refer to the breed as a one man dog because of how loyal they are to their "packs". Kuma definitely fit that trait. He was fearless and even had a couple opportunities to protect me from a bear or two during his lifetime - something Akitas instinctually know how to do.
There are some things that I miss that are just part of owning a dog... a happy wagging tail when I come home from work, a companion when I'm feeling particularly alone or loving, unconditional love (something the humans in my life fight a lifelong struggle to give), security of knowing that the house is protected while I'm gone. Kuma did all of these things perfectly and now he's passed away. Some say that dogs don't live as long as humans so that we can experience many of them in our lifetimes and while I don't expect another dog to replace Kuma, getting a puppy is on the horizon. We've applied for a recent litter and it looks like we may end up with a female this time but I'm going to let fate handle that part. If Kuma's soul wants to be a part of this new dog, the gender won't matter. Delivery to us would be one week after my birthday.
Next up on the can't sleep train is how much I'm going to miss Jesse next week. It's true that we spend A LOT of time together and you'd think that a break would be welcome but, speaking for myself, I'm not looking forward to it. I absolutely love sleeping next to him and when he's not here, the house feels very empty. With Kuma gone, it will be especially empty and I may lean on friends and family a bit for a distraction from it during the week. Jesse will be enjoying himself with friends and family which is overdue and I'm glad that he's going... but I hate it too. I know it sounds crazy. I told you I couldn't sleep!
Next topic: The piano. I did my budget today (now that my checks are steady and taxes are being taken out) and it's a little tighter than I thought it was. It's not anywhere close to panic time (still well above water) but - and I hate to say this - I probably shouldn't have bought the piano. The $300 a month would have gone a long way to more speedily paying off my two other debts and/or helping me put money together to remodel the master bathroom and kitchen. Piano lessons (another $300 a month) would just make it tighter so I've postponed that indefinitely. I can't tell you how disappointed I am about that, but there's nothing I can do about it right now.
The bottom line is, I'm helping to put Jesse through school. That's expensive not because Jesse doesn't pay for anything (because he does). It's expensive because of the cost of his time while he's in class. He doesn't make very good money at my work (it's just enough to pay his bills and give him some spending cash), but they offer so much flexibility during the week and we save money by working together (one commute) that it's difficult to justify him changing jobs - nevermind how tough the job market is right now which is a whole different issue. Plus, if he started waiting tables again, he'd definitely have to work weekends and that would REALLY suck for us.
Doing my budget today was rather deflating but I'm seeing this as a period in our lives where we may have to sacrifice some of the things we want (remodel) for the long term goal of Jesse getting into a career which will ultimately get us both more of what we want.
In the meantime, the Piano is getting played almost daily. Even Jesse is practicing his scales. And since I'm almost positive that's what the piano teacher would have me do also, I'm going to at least do that while I wait for the income lever to go up or the expense lever to go down.
Owning a new puppy won't be cheap either. I know from experience there's lots to buy and set up for the new arrival. Puppy proofing the cupboards, the backyard, getting a crate for him/her, toys, food, collars, leashes, vaccinations, etc. It adds up.
But I guess the way to see it is, so what if I can't remodel the bathroom or kitchen right now. I have a piano that I love, I'll have a puppy that needs me and that I'll love, and a partner who's growing his mind in order to help support us all. Things could be much worse.
I guess that's it for now. Hopefully I can get my mind to slow down a bit now and get some sleep.
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