That is the exact challenge facing gay rights today. What is the vested interest that straight people have with gays being given the right to marry or be protected from job discrimination? All we have are our relationships with others. If you're reading this, you might be a friend or family member of mine but even if we've never met, there's a high probability that someone close to you in your life is gay - even if you think that's not the case. So your vested interest lies in a deep understanding of what it's like to wear the shoes of that gay person for a bit. It might surprise you how much you have in common but it might surprise you more how different life can be between you. Through reaching out through your social and familial circles, you can truly understand the impact of doing nothing for gay rights. This crosses political lines as Dick Cheney discovered when he found out his daughter was gay and the point is perfectly illustrated by the following video:
The aim of this essay is to help you understand what rights gays are fighting for, show you real examples of them being violated - sometimes with personal anecdotes, and, in the end, give a small day-in-the-life feel for being gay. Some would say that I should be glad I live in California or even America because gays are treated so much more poorly in Africa or some Muslim countries. This line of reasoning is fallacious. If you're lying in the hospital with a broken leg and the guy next to you is missing his, the fact that he has it worse off, doesn't make yours feel any better. Can't you just see this reasoning applied to slaves in America? "Yeah sure you're my property, but back in Africa, you'd be starving!"
I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that whites are particularly bad at empathizing with minorities. Being a white male is quite a benefit that is taken for granted often. This is something that is humorously illustrated by the following Louis CK clip:
Being a white, gay male has afforded me a real opportunity to open my eyes to the plights of those who don't have the genetic "fortune" to be in the majority. Let's get started. In the interest of keeping the article from turning into a novel, I'm going to link you off to places for further reading. Please, please, please do this reading. At least enough to get the gist of each linked article.
What are Gays Really Fighting For?
Many straight people take for granted the federal rights granted by their marriage. As of 2009, there were over 1,000 federal benefits to married couples. This website and this one do a good job of illustrating just a few of them but they are things you may not have considered before. A few examples:
- Immigration. If a straight person falls in love with someone from another country, their marriage grants a permanent green card to that other person to live in America. This is not so for gay couples. Here is a list of some examples of real people affected by this. Imagine being forced to choose between your country and the person you love.
- Hospital Visitation Rights. Imagine that the person you've spent a majority of your adult life with is in an accident and is unconscious in the hospital. Now imagine that hospital denying you the ability to see him or her. Personally, they would need to arrest me and sedate me to prevent me being at Jesse's side, but this occurs way too often. It's especially prevalent in situations where the injured person's immediate family disapproves of the gay relationship. They get to decide who visits and who doesn't. Thanks to Obama, this one is getting better, but when it occurs, it's heart wrenching.
- Child Custody. Imagine a situation where a straight woman is married to a man. They have a child together but shortly after, they are divorced because the man comes out of the closet and the woman starts a drug habit or remarries to an abusive man or dies or in some way does not want custody. The gay man gains custody of the child as the legal and biological parent. The man meets another man and the two of them raise that child for 12 years. If something happened to that man, the maternal grandmother would have the court's first right of refusal to gain custody of the child. So this child could be forced to move away from someone he sees as a father - someone who raised him - to live with a grandmother he may have never seen. This sounds far fetched but it isn't. Here's an older example and a newer one.
- Financial Stability. Financial security for married couples comes from several places. Legal spouses are assumed beneficiaries in insurance policies. They are also entitled to increased social security benefits upon the death of a spouse, and are legal beneficiaries when there is no will left. Gay couples must be very cautious when setting up these types of financial instruments and under no circumstances get federal support of any kind upon the loss of their partner. There are smaller but no less important benefits lacking for gays. If a partner loses their job, they cannot purchase cobra health insurance for their partner. If they are able to add their domestic partner to their health insurance at work, the benefit is taxable income for gays but pre-tax for straights.
- Family and Medical Leave Act. The act allows one spouse to take up to 12 weeks of leave from work to care for a seriously ill partner or parent of a partner. This does not include a gay partner or their children unless they are legally adopted.
Some of these benefits can be artificially created through the drawing up of legal contracts, powers of attorney, wills, etc. Doing so is costly and is not the same as legal protection by law. As you read above, what good did it do for the older couple to have a medical power of attorney when, by the time the law came to his aid, his partner had passed away?
Why aren't civil unions/domestic partnerships enough?
There are five primary reasons that these registries are not enough:
- Portability. Domestic partnerships are not portable from state to state within the U.S. as marriages are. This means that a gay couple registered as domestic partners are instantly "divorced" if they cross a state line for a job promotion - or a vacation.
- Immigration. Domestic partnerships are not a federal benefit, they are a state benefit so couples cannot apply for green card status for the non-citizen partner as a married couple can.
- Parenting. A domestic partner is not automatically considered the parent of a child the other partner gives birth to or adopts as is the case with marriage. In some states, the other partner can adopt the other's children providing that those childrens' other biological parent is willing to relinquish parental rights.
- Family Leave. Members of married couples qualify as "family" for the purpose of family medical or bereavement leave, while domestic partners do not.
- Inheritance. Married couples will inherit each other's estates and other assets upon death, but this is not the legal case for domestic partners. Only if there is a will can one domestic partner inherit from another - and they are subject to taxes that marriage-based inheritance is not.
Words and Assumptions
There are two assumptions I run into at least once a week. The first one is that being gay is a choice. While I don't personally think it should matter (religion is a choice and is afforded many protections under the law), many people use this assumption to justify not voting for something they're uncomfortable with - like two men marrying, for example. The reasoning goes like this: No one made these two men be gay. If they want to be married so bad, let them choose to be straight and marry a woman. Evidence is mounting that being gay is as genetic as hair color. Studies have shown that a disproportionately high number of twins separated at birth are either both straight or both gay. Besides, if you're straight, tell me when you chose to be that way.
There are a few words that go along with this choice belief - intentionally or unintentionally. For example, many people call it a "sexual preference" rather than a "sexual orientation". A preference is a choice. Period. And being gay isn't one. Many people make this mistake unwittingly but words are powerful and subconsciously affect the brain's thoughts. Another phrase I hear that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up is "gay lifestyle". Inevitably, this one is used mostly by opponents to gay rights. They make it sound as if gays get together for regular orgies and underwear parties every weekend - when we're not marching naked in parades in San Francisco. Rock stars and athletes have lifestyles. There are gay rock stars and gay athletes (and gay garbage collectors and police officers and...) and they do not share a lifestyle. The only thing they share is an affinity for the same gender but imagine how flawed the phrase sounds if I were to say, "the straight lifestyle". What the heck would that be? "Lifestyle", like "preference", infers choice. Like a healthy eating lifestyle. I will admit that high concentrations of any population in a major population center will tend to drive certain behaviors that could be called a lifestyle. The lifestyle for a gay in San Francisco would be much different than a gay in Livermore. But the lifestyle for a straight would be very different between those two cities also.
I mentioned that there were two assumptions. The second one is people assume gays already have the rights we're seeking. Someone will casually ask me if I'm married and I'll answer, truthfully, "I can't get married." It usually begs the question why and when I tell them I'm gay, they almost universally say, "I thought gays could get married!" Then I have to explain that in California, gays had the right to get legally married for about five months but Proposition 8, funded largely by a church that was founded by polygamists, overturned the right on November 5, 2008. Until you've seen the tears of couples denied this right or the joy when it's granted, you just won't understand.
A day in the life of just one gay person
There are two assumptions I run into at least once a week. The first one is that being gay is a choice. While I don't personally think it should matter (religion is a choice and is afforded many protections under the law), many people use this assumption to justify not voting for something they're uncomfortable with - like two men marrying, for example. The reasoning goes like this: No one made these two men be gay. If they want to be married so bad, let them choose to be straight and marry a woman. Evidence is mounting that being gay is as genetic as hair color. Studies have shown that a disproportionately high number of twins separated at birth are either both straight or both gay. Besides, if you're straight, tell me when you chose to be that way.
There are a few words that go along with this choice belief - intentionally or unintentionally. For example, many people call it a "sexual preference" rather than a "sexual orientation". A preference is a choice. Period. And being gay isn't one. Many people make this mistake unwittingly but words are powerful and subconsciously affect the brain's thoughts. Another phrase I hear that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up is "gay lifestyle". Inevitably, this one is used mostly by opponents to gay rights. They make it sound as if gays get together for regular orgies and underwear parties every weekend - when we're not marching naked in parades in San Francisco. Rock stars and athletes have lifestyles. There are gay rock stars and gay athletes (and gay garbage collectors and police officers and...) and they do not share a lifestyle. The only thing they share is an affinity for the same gender but imagine how flawed the phrase sounds if I were to say, "the straight lifestyle". What the heck would that be? "Lifestyle", like "preference", infers choice. Like a healthy eating lifestyle. I will admit that high concentrations of any population in a major population center will tend to drive certain behaviors that could be called a lifestyle. The lifestyle for a gay in San Francisco would be much different than a gay in Livermore. But the lifestyle for a straight would be very different between those two cities also.
I mentioned that there were two assumptions. The second one is people assume gays already have the rights we're seeking. Someone will casually ask me if I'm married and I'll answer, truthfully, "I can't get married." It usually begs the question why and when I tell them I'm gay, they almost universally say, "I thought gays could get married!" Then I have to explain that in California, gays had the right to get legally married for about five months but Proposition 8, funded largely by a church that was founded by polygamists, overturned the right on November 5, 2008. Until you've seen the tears of couples denied this right or the joy when it's granted, you just won't understand.
A day in the life of just one gay person
I always hesitate to write about some of the discrimination and hardship I've faced in my life around being gay. The reason is because I know just how much worse so many others have had it. That being said, it occurred to me that if this kind of stuff can happen to a middle-class white boy in so-called "liberal" California, talking about it might just raise awareness for those who have much tougher lives because of being gay elsewhere in the country.
Homophobia doesn't always show up in the form of hate crimes. Sometimes it's a sneer, a pointing finger from across the street, a look of disgust, a refusal of service (or bad service), the loss of a job, the loss of a friend, or a shouted remark from a passing car. I've experienced all of these.
It began in high school. I had a sexual experience with someone I thought was a friend and the following morning he went to school and told everyone that I was gay and made a move on him (in fact it was much more than a move and he participated - but he left that part out of the story knowing that I would flatly deny it rather than prove him correct by implicating him also). The teasing was relentless. I couldn't walk to class without having someone make a comment as we passed in the hall. I briefly considered dropping out to get away from it but my mom talked me out of it. What turned it around was getting into drama. Getting the lead role twice caused the school to respect me and the teasing stopped. When my best friend died in a car accident during my senior year, many rallied to my side. What they didn't know (and to be fair I didn't even know at the time) he was probably my first boyfriend. I took his death very badly and I did so because I truly loved him. I know he felt similarly but we'll never know what would have become of it.
After high school, I moved to Los Angeles for school. I didn't know a soul. There was a video store down the street from my apartment that had an adult video section. It was the first time I ever rented a gay porn and the reason it holds a significant memory for me is that when I checked it out at the front desk, I remember being VERY nervous. The clerk - a kid my age - saw the title and laughed at me. Today I would have gotten the little shit fired but back then, I wanted to crawl into a garbage can and die.
By far this is not the end of the discrimination I faced. When I was with my first boyfriend and was out of the closet, we took a trip to Florida for a week. When we went to check in at one of the hotels, the clerk asked if we wanted one queen or two singles. I told him one queen and he replied, "Perhaps you didn't hear me. Did you want one queen or two singles?" Stronger than my 18 year old self, I replied, "Perhaps you didn't hear ME. I said one queen." With a look of disgust, we were checked in.
Later, my partner and I joined a fancy fitness club in Pleasanton. When we signed up, I was clear with the lady we worked with that we were gay and asked if that would present a problem. She said, "Oh not at all! Many of our members are gay." Along with the membership came a free hour with a fitness instructor. Several days later, I came in for my appointment. The man who led me around the club and showed me how to use the various equipment took every opportunity to point out women and how hot they were. A typical comment would be him pointing at some woman's ass and say, take a look at that! For about 30 minutes, I tolerated it with a smile and a nod but then I finally told him, "hey, just so you know, I'm gay so I'm not getting the same enjoyment out of it that you are." He raised his voice and said, "Man, why do you guys have to throw it in our faces like that. Why can't you just keep it to yourself!" The irony was completely lost on him that he'd been throwing his heterosexuality in my face for 30 minutes. We ended our session early.
Sometimes, it can be downright dangerous. Several years after the club incident, my partner and I were walking down Castro Street in San Francisco holding hands and a man threw a bottle at us from his truck and yelled, "Faggots!" It scared the hell out of me because the Castro was always a place I've felt safest. Imagine taking a stroll along a street in your town and being afraid to hold the hand of the person you love. Either because you're afraid of violence or because you don't want to deal with the finger pointing from across the street and parents sweeping their little kids up and walking away. These reactions are legitimized by the fact that our relationships carry no legal weight.
Conclusion
In the end, I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm looking for your votes. Because gays alone cannot vote ourselves the protections under the law that we should have. It takes the majority to do that. If you're a republican, I'm not asking you to switch parties. I'm asking you to tell those in office and running for office that you will not tolerate their religious pandering by denying gays equal rights. And if they still won't listen, then I'm asking you to vote for the person who supports these rights. Eventually republicans will get the message that this is not an issue they should be involved with. Believe me, you aren't forcing these people to go against their own beliefs. They're politicians. They don't have beliefs. They have polls. If you made it here, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this.
Conclusion
In the end, I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm looking for your votes. Because gays alone cannot vote ourselves the protections under the law that we should have. It takes the majority to do that. If you're a republican, I'm not asking you to switch parties. I'm asking you to tell those in office and running for office that you will not tolerate their religious pandering by denying gays equal rights. And if they still won't listen, then I'm asking you to vote for the person who supports these rights. Eventually republicans will get the message that this is not an issue they should be involved with. Believe me, you aren't forcing these people to go against their own beliefs. They're politicians. They don't have beliefs. They have polls. If you made it here, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this.
No comments:
Post a Comment