Life's Algorithm

Lately I've been fascinated with the way people evolve as they age.  I don't mean physically, I mean psychologically.  They say wisdom comes with age but I'm starting to see that as a double-edged knife.  That wisdom seems to sometimes bring a false sense of superiority accompanied by what I can only describe as an "I don't give a shit what you think" attitude.  It seems as people get older, one of the things that comes along with it is a closing of the mind.  It's as if there are only so many things one can learn in a lifetime and once we reach a certain age, we're full to capacity and the door shuts.

Recently, this type of evolution appears to have cost me a good friendship that I thought would survive until death.  While the end of the friendship came rather abruptly, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't sensed a difference in my friend over the past year or so.  Increasingly, I'd noticed more judgmental behavior , more "mind made up, don't confuse me with facts" conclusions, and less "benefit of the doubt" extended to others.  I saw higher expectations and snappiness towards service staff and less compassion and empathy.  While I don't think these changes necessarily came for my friend because of aging alone, I think it's clear that her experiences, losses, and broken heart caused a coldness to descend where there was once warmth.  A closure where there was once openness.  It happened slowly and I pretended not to notice but she was evolving as was I.

Life's Algorithm
Being a computer nerd, I've often used computers as a metaphor for personalities.  Think of algorithms like mathematic instructions that transform an input into an output.  I can transform 2 into 256 by making an algorithm that says take the input and multiply it by 128.  I could also do it by taking the input and multiplying it by 2 and then by 64.  The point is, algorithms transform inputs into results and can take many paths to the same result.  My philosophy is that life's events initially create, then shape our algorithms.  Did you get abused or embarrassed by someone in authority?  Add that to the algorithm and now you have a distrust of people in authority.  Others, presented with the same person would not feel that distrust because their algorithms don't contain the abuse experience.  Every day, dozens of experiences are taken in by our senses.  If they are deemed important enough to our mind, they are categorized and our reactions are added to the algorithm for later use when a similar experience occurs (there's a reason we call them "re-actions").

I think we tend to be attracted to people who, when presented with the same input, tend to come up with the same output that we do a majority of the time.  We feel safe and trusting when we know that this other person will share our sense of disbelief, dissatisfaction, or joy when presented with the same event.  In short, it's predictable agreement that keeps us drawn to others.  Unpredictability, on the other hand, will repel most of us.  Life already presents enough unpredictability down to the sudden lane changes of others around us on the road.  No, what we need from our teammates is to know that they've got our backs.  A lighthouse beam in a dark, unforgiving ocean.

In order for relationships to last, however, our algorithms must evolve similarly.  If my friend and I each get our hearts broken by others but he decides to distrust everyone now whereas my response is to judge that person's actions as their own and continue to open my heart to others, we will no longer see the actions of others the same way.  The minute a person I'm dating does something odd, my friend will immediately see it as an act of treason while I might see it as an innocent mistake.  When enough of these start adding up, my friend and I aren't going to value each other's company as much as we used to.

The Age Factor
So how does aging play into this algorithm business?  Well, as you can imagine, by the time we hit 40 or 50, these algorithms are long, complicated, and perhaps well beyond our own comprehension.  We don't even take the time to understand them anymore.  We just take in input and spew out the output.  We seem to relish the speed at which we can reflexively churn out the result to a given input.  If we have a belief that most welfare recipients use "our hard-earned tax dollars" to buy drugs, we may reflexively vote for a law requiring welfare applicants to get drug-tested before they can receive benefits.  But this would be short-sighted as Florida recently proved beyond a doubt.  Ignoring the math, your anger towards these "deadbeat welfare recipients" might blind you to back room deals that are truly the inspiration of such a law.  Lawmakers and politicians count on this emotional response from us and our politics are becoming more and more mob-mentality reflexive as a result.

By the time we've reached middle age, we've also strengthened many of the elements of the algorithm immensely.  Our brain does us a great disservice here using something called Confirmation Bias.  Over the years, we unconsciously choose opinions and ideas which agree with us and subtly disregard or explain away those that don't.  Each time we can justify our position, we lay another layer of strength upon that section of the algorithm.  Over time, we begin to view our position as even stronger than it actually is because we've so carefully chosen what we allow to challenge it - stacking the odds against the challenger if we allow one at all.

The last thing age adds as sort of the cherry on top of closed-mindedness is our dismissal of others almost entirely because they're younger than us.  They might be making great points, but what the hell do they know?  They're "just a kid" or they're "young and idealistic".  We often comfort our closed-mindedness by saying to ourselves, "They'll understand when they're older."

Bringing it All Together
The way I've worked to keep an open mind in spite of my 40 year old brain's desire to fall into these closed-minded traps is to insert a few pieces into my algorithm that keep it malleable.  For one thing, I'm not married to being right.  In fact, I view being wrong as an opportunity to grow and welcome healthy debates about just about anything.  People sometimes assume I'm pigheaded because I don't just roll over on my opinions easily.  I don't form those opinions easily so I don't change them easily either, but that doesn't mean I'm not open to changing them.  It just takes a perspective change or an aspect I hadn't considered previously and sometimes that's more work than others are willing to do.  I've also inserted a belief that thinking I'm right while actually being wrong is a terrible state of affairs for me.  As such, I challenge myself to resist confirmation bias.  I admit that it's difficult and sometimes requires almost a zen-like approach, but it can be done and is always worth it.

As we move through life, we should always question our algorithms - especially when we find ourselves reflexively drawing conclusions, painting with a wide brush, or see others shutting down around us.  It's a sign that they don't view us as open-minded.  I don't believe we're supposed to evolve into close-mindedness.  I believe we're supposed to use our wisdom to bring even more open-mindedness into our lives.  Even if that means being wise enough to stop talking and to listen instead.