The Benefit of the Doubt - The Story of Sean the Doormat

My sensitive nature often causes me to give people the benefit of the doubt. My general belief is that people are inherently good and generally have good intentions (as I do) and so I've fallen prey to many people who's intentions aren't all that great and I still keep giving them the benefit of the doubt. I also know factually that I'm not perfect so I don't expect others to be either. People will slip up. Mistakes will be made. That's the way life is and I try not to punish someone for being as imperfect as I am.

But there's a limit.

Jesse crossed that limit for me a week ago when I learned that the guy he moved to PA for is HIV+. Now let me be clear about something right up front, if you have a close friend who is HIV+ and you and he just feel like soulmates after a while and you decide that the risk is worth it, then I have tons of respect for you. But if you just met the guy weeks before and he offers you a job for $30/hr and oh-by-the-way why not be my boyfriend, then love is not a motive for taking the risk. Greed is. Anyone with a negative Karma balance the size of Jesse's should not be sleeping with someone with HIV.

Jesse so clearly demonstrated his true colors to me with this move, that I see our past together in an entirely different light. I can no longer give him the benefit of the doubt and have retroactively removed it from our past as well which is helping me to see that he has never cared for me. Ever. This was quite a jarring realization and I'm still reeling from it, actually. I'm a little pissed at myself for all the time I wasted the past four years. If I was honoring my gut, I would have kicked him to the curb two weeks after he moved here (realistically, I wouldn't have moved him here). But alas, time spent is time spent.

He wrote me an email this morning wondering if I've met someone because he noticed that all my ads are down. He's "so happy for me if I did". You don't know how tempting it is to write back. Here are some of the possible responses I've pondered:

- The two word version of my middle finger.
- A demand that he have sex with himself. At least that's one person he can now sleep with unprotected.

- "Yes, I've met a fabulous guy. Someone you know and mistreated for four years, but someone I love dearly. Me."

- "Please do us both a favor and stop pretending you care. Buzz off."

- "Yes, I did. Since I won't be needing condoms anymore, why don't I send them to you since you're going to need them for the rest of your life."

- "Yes. He's offered me $150K per year, and I couldn't resist. You understand, right?"

- "No, I'm still alone. Surprising how quickly I was able to find someone better than you, huh?"

But in the end perhaps no response is the best response. I looked in the mirror this morning and was pretty happy with what I saw. I'm a good looking bear, and I have a great head on my shoulders and a heart of gold. Jesse doesn't deserve to hear from me any longer and maybe after a while, he'll move on with his shallow, selfish life - a life I finally see for what it really is, instead of the fictitious one I wrote for him when I gave him the benefit of the doubt.