So as most of you can probably guess, I've been talking to Jesse a lot this past week. This is my blog heheh so I get to fill it with what I want. If the thought of me and Jesse talking sickens you, 1) Get over it. 2) Don't read this post. Do this in whichever order feels right to you.
As I may have mentioned to several of you, Jesse and I rarely fought when we were together. That's the truth. Unfortunately, I think this actually caused some of the problems we had. Jesse had three challenges while we were together: 1) Unrealistic expectations due to his age, inexperience, and maturity; 2) an inability to express his concerns coupled with an unwillingness to learn how; 3) Almost no forethought to the future causing some very shortsighted decisions. The combination of these three factors really caused our relationship to go through the slow, painful death you all watched from the sidelines over the course of almost four years.
A couple of things have evolved from his side which are making being in a relationship with him again more appealing. In fact, these changes were starting already before he moved to PA which is why I was falling for him again back then. Most notably, his willingness to communicate and engage in conflict - a crucial part of a relationship. His PA experience was good for helping him to learn how to make his expectations more realistic and to reinforce what he had in me and in CA.
Jesse is a 4.0 student in the school of hard knocks. He has to experience things on his own and isn't really good at learning from the wisdom of others. Most of us could have predicted the outcome of his move to PA, but I think, to some degree, a lot of us were like him at his age. Look how many years I tried to open a nightclub starting at 18 when everyone was trying to inject reality into the situation and I didn't listen. This isn't an argument for killing your dreams using the pessimism of others, but there is something to be said for reality and operating outside of it.
The third challenge is the one I still think he struggles with. For some reason, he likes to drive at night with his headlights off (figuratively speaking of course). I think it's because plans scare him. His short attention span has caused many of them to go south so he lives life a little by the seat of his pants. If there's any red flag for me at this point, it's this one. Shortsightedness causes all kinds of ugly decisions - including cheating and lying and physically risky behavior. It can also cause him to kid himself about what he really wants. Telling me he wants a long term relationship when in fact he's looking for short term gratification. Long term, and no headlights don't mix. I'm keeping my eye on this one in particular because I see it as one of the things I ignored at my own peril in our earlier attempts.
As an important part of all of this, I've realized my own shortcomings in our relationship. In many ways, Jesse helped me to see (too late) how fuddy dudish I was during our relationship. How unadventurous I was. How I let my hobbies die off. I lost who I was and who I wanted to be and I had a golden opportunity to get help from someone who loved me and wanted me to change some areas that I, myself, wanted to change. These changes I've made on my part have Jesse excited about being with me as they were what he was unhappy with from the start.
In this way, we are both changing but not for each other, for ourselves. To better be the people we want to be and to get help and inspiration from each other to do so. We are attracted to each other not just physically, but because we each represent strength in areas that the other wishes to grow in. In this way we are a very good couple.
I don't know if we'll be together forever. Does anyone? It is not my intention to make a promise I (or anyone else for that matter) can't keep. Instead, I'm really enjoying what is happening right now. I wish he was here. He wishes he was here. We're cautiously exploring all the topics and points of contention we had. Forcing each other to be honest about our expectations, perspectives, and our willingness to change. We have arbitrarily picked January as a time when he might move back here. That's a long time for us to see if we're truly a match or if red flags go flying for either of us. We both recognize the importance and significance of a move back to CA and are proceeding cautiously but with intent.
In the meantime, (and please forgive the poor taste of analogy in light of the train accident in LA) all I ask of you is that you all switch on the light at the end of the tunnel for him. I'm not asking you to make the journey down the tunnel. That's his job and he's anxious to show you all how different he is. But give him some hope that if he makes the effort, you all can get to the place I'm at where I forgive his mistakes. If he truly isn't different (or if I'm truly not the different person I've told him I am), it won't last with us and we both acknowledge it.
I will post more soon about the non-Jesse aspects of my life. Notably that Reggie and I are getting ready to release our first game for the iPhone. I'll be posting some exciting information about it soon.
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