The book I mentioned in an earlier post, "The 5 Wishes", is based on a conversation the author had with a man that changed his life many years ago. The man asked him to imagine that he was 90+ on his death bed. He asked him to answer a simple question: Was his life a success? If not, why not - specifically. What would he change if he could go back many years and have another go at it. After he answered that question, he's been living his life that way ever since - all in the goal of being able to say "Yes" when that moment comes, whenever it comes.
I think this is one of the reasons I don't watch a lot of television. I'm not waiting to die looking for things to do in the meantime, I'm wanting to live while I'm alive. To live - for me - means to grow my brain through experience, create great things, make others happy if possible. When I've watched TV for hours, I've felt like I've experienced someone else's life. Some director with a big budget was able to take his vision to me - even reading fiction feels this way to me. I guess I'm looking to take my vision to others also.
A friend asked me last night if I thought I would ever have kids. I said that I have two nephews that I adore and that's enough for me. I want to leave a mark on this earth, but it doesn't have to be a biological one. If I felt like my nephews grew up to be better guys because of some thing(s) I said or did, then my mark is made and I'm happy.
2008 was an interesting, tumultuous year. It started with me leaving my job at the lab. A move which turned out to be like jumping off a banana peel onto an oil slick. I'm still standing, but it hasn't been smooth.
Likewise in the relationship department. Jesse and I had quite a ride last year but I think it was me who ended up with motion sickness on the side of the road. To this day, I know he cares about me and I really don't think he intended to hurt me. He gets to own his actions, and I'll own my feelings associated with them. What I can't seem to figure out is, why can't I get him off my mind? I've had dreams and nightmares and fleeting moments of jealousy as I imagine him with someone else. I've had moments of joy when I've realized how liberating it is to not have to worry about whether or not he's cheating "this second" or why he didn't answer his phone "this time". I've also had pain from those same moments. That relationship went deep, deep inside of me and carving it out of my existence has turned out to be tougher than I ever imagined it would be. Maybe at some level, I don't want to be over it. If I did, you'd think I could do it by now. I'm sure he has long ago moved on. Sometimes I wonder if he was ever in it at all.
It doesn't help that I can't hold a grudge. Sometimes a grudge is necessary to keep you strong, but I feel so passionately that grudges end up hurting me more than the person I've got the grudge against that I've abandoned the practice. Half the time, I'm walking around pissed and the other person isn't even thinking about me. They get to carry on with their lives, and I get burned from carrying the torch of hate for them. No. I think the better way is to let things go, even if it means that people walk over you sometimes. They define who they are with their steps as much as I do by my allowing them to step. Life is about creating the world I want while allowing others to do so also.
The fastest "cure" for a broken heart is to fall in love with someone else (or as my old boss used to say, "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.") but there are two issues with that. First, lack of opportunity. I've had plenty of bedroom opportunity and could make more if I wanted it, but I haven't acted on it once! I'm looking for something deeper than what I can get from my left hand - and I don't have to buy my left hand dinner to get it. There just hasn't been an abundance of guys that rock my brain or that I could picture settling down with (except the guy last weekend, but he's straight so...) The second issue is I think my "fall in love" meter is broken - if it ever worked at all. I can't help but think I have a talent for looking for love in all the wrong places. The right place would be the mirror and I'm still working on getting my self-worth from there instead of by inventorying who likes me and who doesn't.
2009 is promising to be the year of enlightenment for me. I have the men's retreat in less than two weeks which is supposed to be life transformative from what I hear. Then in June, it's the Canada trip. What happens afterwards, time will tell. I can't help but think that these two events are my destiny and will be foundational for my future growth for years to come. Whatever happens, I've made a promise to my soul to bless the bad as well as the good. To see each experience - especially the negative ones - as golden opportunities to define who I am.
This year, my course is set and my sail is hoisted. I feel a wind at my back. It's time to sit back and see where this takes me.
2 comments:
Enough to hold you to the brightest of lights,
To place you dangerously close to that sun,
Enough to acknowledge the flaws you can't ignore
And recognize the cause of what's done is done,
More than enough to put my name behind my ideals,
And neglect my logic twice daily.
Enough to keep me looking for my lucy in the sky with gems,
When I remember how you used to call me baby,
Enough to look in my mirror with detest for every tear you shed regardless of why you wept,
Enough to curse any man who can't appreciate the depth of the ocean I swam till I ran out of breath.
My wish for you is that you find peace, J. Doing so during this life is one of the reasons you're here. Don't stop trying to find it.
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