Coming Down

The spiritual drug I've been on for the past couple days is finally subsiding.  There isn't a crash, per se, but there is definitely fear that I can maintain the honesty and appreciation I've been giving myself since returning.  As my brothers return to their lives, there is also a fear that we will forget the bond we earned intensely.  I'm going to do my best to keep reaching out to make sure they're all there from time to time.  This isn't magic.  Real life still can get in the way of maintaining close friendships.  There is much to continue with this group and I see why many men do so.  I will be one of them.

I'm also anxious to spend some more time alone with nature - perhaps on a weekend motorcycle trip soon.  I need to squeeze it in between rain clouds.  One of my brothers wrote to me and said that he climbed out onto the rocks as far as he could at the ocean yesterday and listened to the waves roar and the wind howl for a while.  Then he told the earth who he was.  He screamed it at the top of his lungs.  He said it felt much different to do this alone and I believe him.

I have traveled alone several times and often have fought off a feeling of loneliness or isolation.  I now know that being alone doesn't mean I'm alone.  It means I'm more connected to everything around me than I would be if other people were with me.  I think the only exception to that would be if I were with someone else who had been through this.  Then the two of us would know when to pause, when to move, when to be silent, when to speak, when to think, when to feel, and when to let it all hang out.  We'd also know what to ponder, what to be thankful for and where to direct that gratitude, and most importantly, we'd have connected already in a way that really opens one another up for being vulnerable in front of each other, where bonding really happens between two human beings.

Nathan rides a motorcycle too and one of the things I'm hoping to do is travel someplace in nature with him on the bikes someday to see what that's like.  My suspicion is that it would be therapeutic for both of us and keep us connected to what we spent so much time connecting to last weekend.

In the meantime, I'm easing gently back into work.  It's difficult to concentrate for long periods of time because almost everything seems so small compared to the issues I faced 3-4 days ago.  Solving issues at work seems so... petty and without meaning now.  A means to an end for sure but to what end?  That end needs some serious thought from me and I intend to give it some in the coming weeks and months.