The Energy That is Reflected

One of the many things that has become clear for me since returning is my sensitivity to the energy that each of you reflect to me.  Here's what I mean.  My mom, bless her heart, has seen me lonely and wants for that to end because she loves me, so at almost every conversation, she asks me, "Was there anyone gay there?  Was there anyone you were attracted to?"  Wrapped up inside of those questions is a nervous energy that I wear on myself negatively.  That energy then sits there emanating from me and repels people from me - fulfilling the prophecy.  Solving loneliness is not a logistical problem.  It's an internal problem.  It isn't solved by surrounding myself with people.  It's solved by looking inside and being in good company when I'm physically by myself.

Another example.  All of you have seen me go through challenges from having a young partner.  You assume that the problem is in the youth and therefore all collectively root for, encourage, push, badger me to find someone my own age.  While I'm not comfortable saying that I could never be happy with someone my own age, I also see nothing wrong with being attracted to someone younger.  Think of it this way, when my boyfriend is 23 and I'm 37, those 14 years seem odd.  When my boyfriend is 40 and I'm 54 they don't seem so odd.  Why is that?  I challenge you to look within for why it might be odd in one case, but not in another.

Just know that I am now extremely comfortable with my attraction to younger men.  My compassion will give them a chance, my strength will make it one chance.  At 37, I was the middle age in the room.  There were many younger and many older than I.  What I learned from those younger men is that they are out there.  Men who either can already or desperately want to learn how to express their feelings.  Men who aren't afraid to or want to overcome their fear of crying.  Men who already communicate or desperately want to learn how.  The desire to learn is all I want.  The ability already is just a bonus.

What I'm through with in my life is any man who gives up on himself.  Any man who makes excuses for why he doesn't need to change or why he can't change.  No statement will be more repulsive to me now than, "I'm not proud of it, but that's just who I am.  That's just me."  I have changed in astounding ways that I didn't even think were ever possible.  If I can do it, so too can others and while I will not judge a man for this choice, I will not spend my life with them either.  Their energy is reflective also, and I don't want to "get slimed" by negativity, pessimism and powerlessness.