A New Brotherhood

I am back.  In ways I never could have imagined being so.  If you could view my life as a timeline, this weekend would be a point in which a ripple occurs and time bends itself 10 years into the future.  I really do not know where to begin.  I'm erupting with emotion and my energy is so intense right now (in a good way) that I really need to keep myself away from people for a few days.  

I am not the same Sean that left here two and a half days ago.  Although I am sworn to secrecy (for a very good reason) about the methods used to get me from there to here, I suppose the best way to tell you is to ask you a question...  How do you take 30 men from 30 different backgrounds and all different ages and transform them into new men in two and a half days?  If it seems like a tall order, that's because it is.  It was the most emotionally and physically intense experience I've ever had.  

It is, mercifully, beyond words to describe but I will try.  I watched an 18 year old boy turn into a man literally in front of my eyes.  I watched a 71 year old man find his long-lost youthful energy and spirit .  I watched a young, former gangbanger cry and learn how to be a father for his little girl.  I got to help men of all ages - including me - literally shed emotional baggage that they've been hauling around all of their lives.  Doing so was indescribable, anything but simple, and one of the most rewarding experiences I'll likely ever be a part of.

My therapist John used to say, when you're being chased by ghosts, turn and run towards them.  I watched 30 men turn and fight their ghosts with the loving support of the other men to protect and guide them.  The world is going to be a better place because these 30 men (and many more around the world) did and have done this work.

As far as my journey goes, I claimed what is mine.  My confidence, my courage, my self-esteem... my life.  I gained these things not by simply saying they were mine, but by earning them through sweat and tears.  I let go of what I don't want.  My fear of loneliness.  My thoughts of inadequacy.  My negative beliefs about myself.  I let go of these things not through simply saying they were gone, but through intense work to cleanse them from my mind and heart.

I learned to accept and appreciate the reason I'm attracted to younger men.  The energy that flows between young and old is beneficial to both.  I witnessed this over and over again and felt its connection to my soul.  Sharing wisdom while receiving energy and vitality in exchange is a beautiful symmetry that has ancient human ties and it's one I will no longer be ashamed of.  In fact, shame has also been expunged from my heart and mind.  I have never been stronger.  I have never been more in awe about the complexity of the human spirit and the immeasurable similarity and difference we share as men and as humans being (not a typo).

I now know these other men as brothers.  I share a bond with them all, including the leaders of the weekend who are now also brothers, but it looks like roughly six of them will be present in my life, hopefully until it's end.  We have been through so much together and were so connected along the way that there will be no stopping us from supporting each other throughout our entire lives.  Yes,  that intense.  

If I do nothing, this will fade and that is not an option for me.  There are many paths to continue with this and I intend to follow as many of them as I can.  As a man among men, I am unconditional love and understanding.  

I will post more about this last sentence tomorrow.  For now, it is time for me to rest my body and my brain.  Neither of them have ever worked so hard - especially together.  They both have earned a rest.  I have the day off tomorrow and intend to use it to reflect and continue figuring out how to apply what I've learned to my life.