Thoughts about Latter Days

So something clicked with me tonight after watching Latter Days.  I posted earlier that I have a huge crush on Steve Sandvoss (blonde in the picture to the left).  But the reality is that I have a crush on the character that Steve plays - Aaron, a closeted gay mormon with life on his brain and a heart of gold.  It's true that Steve's good looks add to the package, but I find the character very lovable.

What struck me as a bit eery, however, is how much Aaron reminds me of my best friend Dave in high school.  He died in a car accident a few months before we were to graduate together.  Only a few people know this, but Dave and I were about as close to boyfriends as two high school seniors could be in 1989.  I'll never know if Dave was gay, but just a week before he died, he asked me to spend the night and when I said ok, he said, "Yaaa!  My boyfriend's gonna stay with me." So it was no wonder that I took his death so hard.  An event like that happening to a sensitive person like me can cause insecurity and abandonment issues.  I've been fighting those issues off for years - somewhat successfully lately.

I think my attraction to innocent, loving guys has been around my whole life.  Dave was just one of many crushes I had throughout elementary school and my whole life.  Even my initial attraction to Jesse was because of his sad story of his mom's untimely death.  It's the innocence of Steve's character that I'm in love with just as it was Dave's, Reggie's, Ian's, and Jesse's innocence that I was so attracted to.  This may seem obvious to some of you, but this is the first time I've connected all of these dots together.  My therapist one time asked me years ago, "Sean, try to think of what all the guys you've been attracted to have in common."  I never was able to do it until tonight.

I should point out though, innocence isn't weakness.  Steve's character is strong despite his innocence.  He stands up for what he believes and has strong convictions.  So this attraction doesn't mean I want to rescue someone.  That was the mistake I've been making up to now.  No, it's time for me to stop seeing innocence and strength as mutually exclusive.

I don't know where this thought will lead me, but I'm glad I was finally able to answer my therapist's question.  Clarity will follow.