Universe Moment: A Tardy Post

I owe Monique a post in my blog about her visit on August 27.  I know I told many of you over the phone about her visit, but it should be posted here for posterity also.  

Monique is doing very well at Microsoft.  She's now the Manager of Communications for the Vice President of Sales for Microsoft North America (whew!).  As such, she travels with the VP on the Microsoft Corporate jet to various engagements and appointments.  She called me at the last minute and said that there was a chance that they were going to change their flight plan to land at Livermore airport for an overnight stop and she'd like to have dinner.  I was thrilled except I had class that night and I fear missing a single Computer Science class because if I fall behind, I'm worried I won't ever catch up.  So I told her I'd have to skip dinner, but I could meet her after class.

So I show up at class and there's a sign on the door that says, "Class Cancelled".  My first thought was a little Uncle Leo intervention.  Just like all the co-passengers on our Alaska cruise who enjoyed beautiful weather as our ship was simultaneously following and being chased by a storm, my classmates have me to thank indirectly for them having that night off.  My uncle Leo loved us all including his daughters and I feel like sunshine follows them most of their days due to his efforts from above.

So Monique and I got to spend much more time together and we stayed up way too late catching up.  It was so nice to see her!  Even though I spent a great portion of the evening filling her head with anti-Jesse rhetoric only to have her now be very confused with my decision to try again with him.  

Sorry for the confusion everyone!  I'll try to watch that in the future.  The danger of living with your heart on your sleeve is that when you have a change of heart, everyone notices.

More Strange Happenings

I'm just not sure what to make of all this.  Life is doing some pretty crazy maneuvers over here.  Remember that I said that the guy that was going to rent the room from me, Ryan is his name,  was instead going to not take the room because his ex was killed and his son injured in an accident so he thought he would have to now take full custody of his son?  Well, unfortunately, his son passed away yesterday.  He called me sobbing to see if he could still have the room so he's moving in.  It's a terrible way to gain a roommate, but I'm really glad he's moving in.  I really like him as a person.  I will be going to the service on Friday in Tracy to pay my respects.

Some Strange Happenings

It's been quite a week or two for me.  Some quick updates:

• Darren and Shelby's wedding was one of the best I've ever attended.  Congratulations to both of them!
• I had a new guy set up to move in on Oct 1 and his ex wife just died in a car accident and his 5 year old boy was trapped in the car while it was on fire so now he has full custody and needs to move in with his mom.  My prayers go out to him and his son.  Please say a prayer for him.  His son is in intensive care right now.

So now on to other issues.  Jesse and I have been apart for almost half a year now.  I had some tough times when he first moved to PA.  And over the past few months, I've become quite strong and resilient.  Songs on the radio stopped affecting me and I truly stopped thinking about Jesse for days - sometimes weeks - at a time.  Last week, I was riding high on a bubble of meeting some new people online but for some reason, I was being barraged by Jesse messages over and over and over all week.  Songs kept coming on the radio that were "our songs" or I'd meet someone and his name was Jesse, or I'd get a message to call a client back and his name was Jesse.  At one point, when the dance version of "What Hurts The Most" came on XM (a song that never should be made into a dance song), I looked up at the sky and screamed at God, "Really?  Can you cut me some slack here?  What are you trying to tell me?!?"

Then, one of the guys I was riding high about fizzled out and I felt the air leave my sails a bit.  The following morning (yesterday) I got an email from a bear website that I had written to weeks ago trying to get my profile activated again.  I finally got back on it and checked my blocked profiles and there was Jesse's ad but it said, "Columbus, OH".  I read it and it said that he had met the man of his dreams and was looking only for friends, etc.  There were pictures of his new motorcycle and him generally having fun with his new guy.  It was too much for me.  I shouldn't have looked.  I got hit by about 10 emotions at 100mph and I just collapsed into tears.  The first time I've cried about him in months.  I wrote him an email and told him that I was happy for him.  He wrote back and said that the profile was outdated.  He changed the location, but never changed the words on the profile.  He and the guy he was dating in PA didn't work out and he moved to OH to live with his friend Nate.

I ended up talking to him on the phone last night for probably three hours.  I told him that I took my ads down for several months because I wanted to fall back in love with Sean.  He wrote to me this morning that he took his down last night after our talk.

I started reflecting on my energy the past few weeks.  Since I've put my ads up, I've been almost obsessive about it.  I'm constantly checking for messages on these seven sites and staying up too late looking at profiles.  I'm exhausted, I've been neglecting work, my hobbies, etc.  I feel... desperate.  Less confident.  It's very strange.  I'm contemplating taking them back down again.

As far as Jesse goes, I'm not ruling out ever getting back with him at some point.  He's been doing quite a bit of growing in the areas that we struggled with the most.  As most of you told me many times, most of that behavior is because he was young.  Well, he's coming up on 24 now and is starting to shed his childhood expectations and selfishness.  I'm seeing a difference.

Many years ago, I was asking my friend Chris for advice and he said, "Sean, do you want my advice or do you want my support?  They aren't always the same thing."  I've never forgotten that.  At some point in the future, if I get back with Jesse, I may be asking you all for your support.  I will not enter that situation without a clear mind, clear expectations, true alignment of perspectives between us, etc.  In other words, this blog entry is not being typed by my little head, it's being typed by my big head.

It boils down to this.  I'm 37 years old.  I'm no child.  As I approach 40, I need to begin liberating myself from the constraints of what other people think sometimes.  As I watch men in their late 60's, it's clear that they are free from societal influences.  They do what they want and they don't apologize for it.  

If - and this is a big if - I get back with Jesse, I know that many of you will disapprove of the decision and you may be right.  Perhaps I'd be setting myself up for another disappointment.  But I would argue that I need to navigate my life as I see it from my perspective.  I think you'd all agree that for the most part, I do a pretty good job of it.  I have lessons to learn and experiences to have.  These come from many decisions and it's what makes us all unique individuals on our own unique journeys.

I will keep everyone posted through the blog, but for now, just take a breather like I am and relax...

Universe Moment

A few weeks ago, when Jesse first left, I typed a whole chapter to him out of a book I read that I thought nailed him to the tee and emailed it to him.  Afterwards, I asked myself, "Why do I keep trying to help him?"  The following morning, this was the Dilbert I received:

I thought, "OK God.  I get it."  So I'm posting this comic to my blog as a reminder to myself not to "put time into an activity that has no potential benefit".

Side Note: I'm going to name these type of blogs "Universe Moments" because I think they are truly signs and I want to honor them.  I will use the word "God" interchangeably with the word "Universe" because I don't want you to get hung up on a gray-haired, bearded man in the sky.

Universe Moment - Trip to Canada

So one of the things I told myself I was going to do was more motorcycle riding. I did a lot of it before I met Jesse then I just stopped riding. Jesse was always about dragging his knee around corners and I was always about enjoying the scenery, the smells, and the territory. Our riding differences kind of stopped my riding and I was yearning to get back on the road. I had been planning a trip to Canada in May (in fact I intended to go for the past several Mays, but I never got it together).
After the "divorce" I thought it would be a great thing to set my sites on May, 2009. I was speaking with my dad who lived in Canada for years when he was younger, and he mentioned that I should probably go in June because May could still have me in snow and rain.

What I'm about to type, is proof to me that there is a God and that I'm going down the right path now:

A couple weeks ago, my mom was visiting. I was lamenting about how I'd had the Vette for sale for a month with only a couple of bites. She suggested that I post my ad up on the Corvette Forums. I didn't see any harm in it, so I did.

After she left, I was surfing the web and I see a Google ad at the bottom of the page that says, "Neale Donald Walsh" in big letters. Neale Donald Walsh is the author of a book that changed my life called "Conversations With God". Now, Google Advertising tries to match the content of the page with advertisers so I immediately scanned the page looking for clues as to why this ad would appear on this page. I can't remember what the page was about, but I specifically remember that it had nothing to do with God, spirituality, or books. Intrigued, I clicked the ad. What I found was a retreat being hosted by Neale for no more than 40 people. You guessed it, it was scheduled for June, 2009 in Canada. In fact, the retreat is within 60 miles of my ultimate destination in Canada (Jasper National Park). The twilight zone theme was playing in my head. I thought, "But I can't afford this. It's $1,000!" My phone rang. It was a buyer for my Corvette. It seems he'd seen the ad on the Corvette Forums and he wanted to buy it sight unseen and have it shipped to him in Houston.

I knew this retreat was where I needed to go, but I still hadn't actually purchased the retreat. The next night, I'm watching a movie and a voice came into my head and said, "Sean, pause this movie and go buy the retreat." I thought, ah, I'll do it after the movie but the voice was persistent so I paused the movie, swallowed hard, and purchased the retreat. The following morning I got an email from the retreat host informing me I'd purchased the last Queen bed. As if firmly hammering the point home, I got an email from MySpace which informed me that a friend was having a birthday the following week and to log on to find out who. Now I never go on MySpace. I made my profile many years ago and pretty much ignore the site. But when I logged in, I thought I'd check my profile to make sure things were accurate (i.e. that I'm single now) and there it was, the question I answered four years ago: Who would you most like to meet? My answer: Neale Donald Walsh.

This is enough for me to reinforce my belief in spirituality. Despite all the challenges I've been facing recently, the stream really does flow well when you are paying attention and going down the right path for your soul and it really is an uphill battle when you're going down the wrong path. I've promised myself to never ignore these signals again. If I see myself swimming upstream, I'm going to look for signs to change direction.

So my motorcycle trip is set in stone. I have until June to lose some weight, get my shoulder pain to go away, and get some muscles toned up that are involved in riding. The trip is over 3,000 miles and I'm looking forward to the solitude. In the meantime, I will be training and working on my bike to prepare it.