Jesse and I had our share of drama this year also as friends and family know all too well. I know it may be hard for people to understand, but I still care about him. That doesn't just go away - at least it doesn't for me. Call it a character flaw, but I forgive people. I'm far from infallible myself. I know my friends and family may not see this, but I often struggle in my interactions with the gay community. My foot is magnetically drawn to my mouth and I often feel like an outsider. I usually come off too "straight". I'm old fashioned by gay standards. Apparently wanting to settle down with one person is the stuff of dreams.
I think tonight was the first night I've really pondered how I don't fit in to either the straight community -or- the gay community. I keep one foot in both worlds, but am not sure where I belong. I suppose the straight community is where I feel most comfortable but why is that? I likely won't meet someone there, but I'm finding the gay community to be a foreign world to me. The obvious answer is not to care. But I'm not good at being single. I don't think it's insecurity, it's a desire to care for someone and be cared for. It's a partner that a friend cannot be. My friends are all partnered. Hanging out with them only reminds me that I'm not. I'm a third thumb most of the time - something that sounds deceivingly useful, but isn't. This is a bittersweet night for me. Last year this time, my friends were here... right here at my mom's house where I'm typing this from. One year ago tonight, I remember Jesse being in San Francisco partying and staying with someone overnight there. The pain and jealousy - combined with alcohol - made it difficult for me to truly enjoy myself - which is why I didn't drink much tonight. Holidays are always a sad time for me when I'm single. Watching passionate kisses between partners on TV in Times Square as the ball drops is slightly jabbing.
Digressing a bit I suppose. Let's continue the journey down 2008 Lane. So I started school again, planned my trip to Canada which is just six short months away, started a new job, and made as many adjustments to my lifestyle as I could to survive including renting out a room in my house. Jesse's brother visited for a week in April and we had fun together. I learned a lot about Jesse from his brother, and this knowledge had me holding on and hoping for a brighter future. Perhaps I'm still holding out for that.
In May, my friends Brian and Kristy moved to Livermore from Oakdale. Despite the unfortunate circumstances that prompted their move, I'm really glad they are local and still hope to hang out with them more frequently. On August 2, I had a bittersweet day. I saw John Cougar Mellencamp in concert. I had two tickets that I bought when Jesse and I were together, but we were in an off-again stage and so Christy's fiance jumped in and went with me. We had a great time but I missed Jesse.
School started in August and on Sept 5, my brother got married to a wonderful human being. I'm so grateful that Shelby and my two new nephews are in my life. They do bring much joy. She and Darren really are lucky to have each other. Around this time, I made the decision to turn the boat over to Darren and Shelby. I was never using it and I was still making financial moves to improve my situation.
In the middle of September, my roommate Nick moved out and my new roommate Ryan moved in. This was also around the time that Jesse and I decided to try again - long distance - with him in Ohio and me here. It got (too) serious (too) fast. Before we both knew it, we had rings, and he was under immense pressure (from me) to move and to stay in OH (from his friend Nate). A couple of months later, he had a friend commit suicide, then lost his job. The world caved in around him and he tried to kill himself. I won't get into details again here as I posted that experience in detail a few weeks ago. My friends Christy and Eric moved to Livermore from San Jose and I'm very glad. I see them much more often now than before.
In the end of this year, we had two historic elections. The first was a black man as president, the second was the vote to allow us to draw names at my dad's house for Christmas. The latter did not, unfortunately, come without scars, but hopefully they will heal. From my perspective the event was awesome and this is the most stress free Christmas I've ever had. I hope everyone else's experience was the same.
So now we're here again. Full circle. I lay now typing this exactly where I was one year ago. Still thinking about Jesse. Still remembering the good times we had. He messaged me with a wish for a happy new year and I was glad to know that he is still alive. I'm going to sign off now. 2008, you were a year full of opportunities to grow. I did grow from many of them though I'm not sure I learned from all of them. There have been reminders recently about how short life can be. I want to be happy more than anything and that is my new year's resolution. To pick my head up and look around on some of the paths I chose in 2008. My trip to Canada will be a major part of that and I will be training for the trip in the gym starting next week.
May 2009 be a year that brings health, an acceptance that we really can live with less, and a happiness that comes from within - one that is recession-proof.
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