The Shadow and the Bus

One of the things I learned about at MKP is the concept of the shadow.  As individuals we are a psychological amalgam of our pasts.  All of things that happened to us growing up that we didn't want to happen, things that didn't happen that we wanted to happen, people we wanted in our lives who weren't and people who were that maybe we prefer weren't.  When we're growing up, we develop shadows because of these events and as we get older, these shadows become a bigger part of our personality than many of us would like.  

One of my shadows is that when someone doesn't respond to me or there is silence in my relationships, I feel abandoned and rejected.  You could say that my blog is an attempt to stay connected with all of you.  Even though you don't leave comments for some reason, I see you coming in on the log and know you're out there.

If you picture a shadow as a separate "person" and my body as a bus (keep the weightloss cracks to yourself please)  :), when my shadow is driving the bus, I am quite insecure.  The "real me" is secure and ok being alone.  The shadow is scared of being alone and constantly filters the world to show me examples of rejection and abandonment - even creating it when it's not there.  Sometimes when the shadow creates this from thin air, it causes me to say and do things which lead to rejection and abandonment when it wasn't really there before.  My shadow gets to say, "See?  I told you.  You better let me keep driving the bus.  I'm protecting you."

The thing that really has crystalized for me recently is how much my previous relationships have fed my shadow.  Reggie and Jesse both are rather introverted when it comes to feelings and being vulnerable.  My shadow is attracted to these types of people because it feeds the necessity of him driving.  A self-fulfilling prophecy if there ever was one.

One of the things MKP aims to do is help you put your arm around your shadow.  Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.  Eliminating him is a tall order, but putting him in a seat in the back of the bus is worthwhile.  Knowing he's there, what he looks like, etc is very valuable in being able to see when he's wrestled the driver's seat away from me so I can wrestle it back.  At the moment, my real self is pretty strong, but this shadow is one tough son of a bitch and he's reaching for the wheel quite a bit.  

This coming weekend, I'm going to another weekend retreat for MKP where the focus will be on shadow work.  I don't know what to expect, but I'm told it's much more cerebral than the initiation weekend.  It doesn't matter.  I'm ready for whatever happens.