My Thoughts About Marriage

I've often said that gays from my generation (and even more so from previous generations) got a late start in the journey of relationships. By the time many of us were in college, our straight peers had already had their hearts broken, asked girls out on dates, been to Junior Proms and Senior Balls, and likely been in a mutual loving relationship at least once if not many times.

At that age, I was just coming out of the closet. I'd been through a lot emotionally: Being teased in high school, having crushes on guys who didn't feel the same way, wondering if I'm the only gay person in my town, and in general, feeling emotionally alone. I'd had my heart broken (silently and unintentionally) more times by the time I graduated high school than most, but what I'd never had by then was someone who felt the same about me that I did for them.

One of the things my straight peers got to do in those college years was entertain the thought of getting married. I'm sure for most of them, it wasn't a question of if it was a question of when. Many of them are friends on Facebook and I can see that they are, in fact, married - some several times. Getting married was a thought I never permitted myself to have because it likely would have depressed me.

Here we are in 2010. First it's legal, then it's not, now it is, but don't hold your breath because this court or that court could change their minds. Through it all, what's just occurring to me is how behind I am in even thinking about marriage. What it really means.

For most of my adult life, the idea of committing to someone was a no-brainer. But there is something about standing in front of your friends and family and your God (if applicable) and swearing your love for another. There is something about knowing that you can't dissolve this without some serious financial pain and legal paperwork (and maybe attorneys). It keeps you at the table during a fight. It keeps you faithful when you're tempted. There's something about being truly financially responsible for another human being and vice versa. There's something about introducing your partner as your husband (As an aside, if I had a nickel for ever time I've introduced Jesse as my partner and had someone say, "Business partner?" I could end world hunger). There's something to marriage and that something is what gay people want to be a part of. I don't need a piece of paper or a word to make me love Jesse more. I need the piece of paper and the word to help everyone else understand how much I do. For the first time, they might allow themselves to relate to gay people and say, "Oooooh. I get it. This isn't about sex. It's about love. The kind of love I have for my wife." Yes. That kind.

The sad part is, I'm again faced with being a noob. Since I've really never put much thought into being married up until now, I have no idea what I'm supposed to be thinking about. I don't know when and if and how. Jesse is young at 25. He's had even less time not to think about it. He's had even less time to absorb what it means (at the moment, he doesn't see the difference between what we have and being married). His thought is, "I'm here, we're committed. Why the pomp and circumstance?"

But pomp and circumstance is not the marriage, it's the wedding. So many straight couples plan the wedding for a year and never put much planning into the marriage at all. For me, marriage is about that something. That something that is more than "just" a committed relationship. It's a public face on that relationship. It allows me to visit him in the hospital or him to make medical decisions for me. It allows a gay person to fall in love overseas and not be forced to choose between the person he loves and his country. It allows inheritance without a will. It allows social security (literally). It allows medical spousal benefits, it's husband vs partner and on and on. These are things that my straight peers may take for granted, but they're something, and that something is worth fighting for.