Checking In

In the Mankind Project (which henceforth I will refer to as MKP for brevity), we have a process called "Checking in". It's a moment where you stop whatever the hell you have going on in your life and just take a look at how you're feeling. It's ok if the feelings conflict with each other - for example, I can be both happy and sad. So from time to time, I'm going to "check-in" with all of you on my blog. This isn't much different than what I was doing before I went to my weekend, but now we have a name for it.

So tonight, I'm checking in with some anxiety balanced by a lot of strength. Jesse and I have been talking a lot recently but, last night, out of the blue (from my perspective) he started backing away. I've posed a fairly simple set of options for us moving forward (including one where we move forward separately) but the decision is anything but simple for Jesse, apparently. For the time being, I'm waiting for his response - which is where the anxiety is coming from. At the same time, I can honestly say that I am one helluva catch. My life is in order, my finances are in order, my emotions are in order, I've pretty much never felt better about myself than I do right now. If Jesse passes this up, well, then as cliche' as it sounds, it's his loss. That's the strength balancing the anxiety.

While I had/have (depending on which hour you catch me) strong hopes for Jesse and I's future, I also need to at least prepare for the possibility that the other hand won't reach for mine for the clap sound. It's impossible to clap with one hand. I spoke with my life coach today and he succinctly set me straight (figuratively speaking) about the validity of my principles, the expectations I have of my next partner (Jesse or otherwise), etc. What it may be boiling down to is that Jesse is holding on to youth inspired beliefs about how relationships should be. This is causing him to see behaviors of mine as controlling when in fact they're simply me setting boundaries with a person who seems to have a difficult time setting them for himself. It's the whole "your right to swing your fist ends at my nose" concept. We hope to be with someone who would never choose to swing, but if someone has that poor judgement, we have a right to stop it before it reaches our nose.

I just got back from my first I-Group meeting, which is a small (5 tonight) group of men who live locally and meet weekly to discuss life and support each other. It was VERY cool and I really enjoyed connecting with the men. One of them is gay also so it's nice to have a connection there too. It felt good to get out the feelings of anxiety I had and reiterate my strength to myself and to others. So I end this day with contentment. I'm content with whatever happens between Jesse and I. I know the place I need him to be before he and I could be together again and he has a bit to go. Disappointingly, he has shown only passing interest in starting down that path and it hasn't really stuck yet. If it doesn't stick eventually, I guess I'll have my answer.

So now it's time for a hot tub dip, and some quiet time for myself before I fall asleep. I'm going to try to post a bit more. My life is slowing down just enough to permit that.