Checking In

I got some focus from the men tonight at my i-group meeting. It's been a pretty tough day today. It started with Jesse pulling even further away to the point that we both have pretty much called it quits. Permanently? Who knows. But for all intents and purposes, yes. Meaning I'm acting as if it is and I don't pretend to know how he's thinking about it. Where we left it was, I'm not upset at him - just confused - and that when he's ready and (truly) serious about being serious, he should look me up and I'll re-analyze where I am and whether I'm with someone and make a decision then.

I just found out a second ago that he's heading to a tattoo shop tomorrow to either get or explore getting half sleeves. To be honest, I'm fighting off a bit of sadness about this because I know how society views that kind of thing and how entrenching it can be to a person's future to express one's self this way. You just don't see many successful white collar workers with half sleeves. Blue collar? Sure. But it makes me wonder which came first? Did their career path lead into blue collar work then the tattoos come or the other way around? In any case, I'm way more accepting of tattoos today than I used to be and I think Jesse looks hot no matter what he does with it. It feels good to let go of that judgment myself.

He commented this morning that I deserve better. I agree with him. I just held out hope that he would want to be that better person. Plus I guess I get a little uneasy when someone tells me I deserve something. I want to say, "Let me be the judge of what I deserve and how good what I'm 'settling for' is." The bottom line is that Jesse has planted himself a few feet deeper in Columbus and that just does not translate to any kind of relationship between us. If I moved to Columbus, we'd probably live happily ever after, but that can't happen at this stage of my life. I have a career that is taking off and a house that I can't sell. Plus I love California. Even if my family wasn't all right here, I'd still stay for the weather. Boating and motorcycle riding are hobbies I can enjoy much more here and I HATE being cold. Snow: Nice to visit, terrible to shovel.

I then had a nice call with my life coach which helped me to fully grasp what was happening here, where my feelings are coming from for Jesse and how to re-focus my energy on moving forward in my life - with or without a partner. Whenever I talk to Joe, I get a lot of confirmation that some of the things I love and hate about the gay community are real and some are my baggage. He would know. He's a gay therapist who sees many gay patients. He has a really nice perspective because of it. For example, he told me today that there are people who can shut off their emotions for someone and that the ability to do that doesn't make the feelings "not real" when they're on. My false belief was that if you can turn them off, they must not be real because emotions aren't like that (...for me). Joe added, however, that people who can do this have a difficult time forming healthy relationships when they do it. For example, it's this ability that allows Jesse to cheat where most people would consider the feelings of loss if their partner found out and that prevents them from cheating.

This call was followed by another emergency from Ian about his court date tomorrow and how this might prevent him from going to the weekend. I lost my temper a bit with him on the phone. I've since apologized, but it gave me something to work on tonight with the men in the i-group. We discussed that saying "No" to someone bothers me on many levels and I resent being put in a position to say no so I become angry when I have to do it.

Another example that happened today. I found a guy online and his ad didn't have a face picture (one day I'm going to learn). His body was phenomenal. So I wrote to him. We ended up exchanging emails and he finally sent me a picture of his face and... well... no. So I found myself getting upset at him (to myself) because he's now put me in a place where I need to reject him whereas if he'd just put his face pic in his ad, I wouldn't be in this place. It makes me think, does he know he's not attractive? Is that why he's leaving the face off the ad? Wouldn't it be better to be proud of who you are and let people either be attracted to you or not based on all the physical data? I mean, it has to hurt more to have a guy pick you up based on your body then reject you after you show your face than to never hear from the guy in the first place, yes? It's why I have a standing policy to always put my face pic up. I have nothing to hide. Bald head and all. It does me no good to "trick" someone into writing to me.

In any case, I'll be exploring this fear/hatred of saying no and where that's coming from in the coming week or so. I expect that to be a really fruitful journey.